A Gift from Me to You

This week on the Empty Pockets blog, drummer and professional Rueben taster Danny Rosenthal takes the helm to bring you his important message. - Ed

I don’t write many blogs because I don’t usually have anything exciting to say, but we’re in luck because I am about to change your life. However before we get there, let’s give a round of applause for Nate Bellon, who writes more blogs than I can read. Now I want to let all of you, my friends, know I have just invented the best diet known to man.

The Pitch…

Have you tried other diets and found yourself ending up starving with little weight-loss result? Worry no more because my Rosenthal Cure-All Weight Loss Diet (patent pending) is guaranteed to work.

How It Works… (I am so glad you’re still reading)

A dear friend of mine had infected tonsils. They were too swollen for the body to take care of itself and medical technology stepped in. They removed the tonsils without fear of what would happen to the body without the lymphoid tissues that had served as an integral part for as long as my friend could remember. Do you know what your tonsils are for? Neither do I but it doesn’t matter because it turns out they don’t do anything.

How do you feel about the adenoids? Adenoids are another lymphoid tissue in the back of the nose that actually does help defend against inhaled bacteria but only when you’re a child because as you grow the adenoids shrink and thus become useless.

Plain and simple we have a bunch of ineffective organs: the coccyx, wisdom teeth, male nipples (these may be kept for aesthetic purposes) and perhaps the most well known offender, the appendix. They can all go. And there's plenty more where those came from. Combining the weight of these useless bits, you’re going to weigh at least a pound less and maybe even a little more.

You’re all on the honor system to send me money if you choose to do this. Please contact you physician to see if this diet is for you, but let’s face it… it is.

- Danny Rosenthal

Good Grammys! (or Where's The Love?)

The 53rd Annual Grammy awards took place on Sunday, February 13th: a date which will live in infamy. (Or famy... I'm not quite sure how that works.) Most of the performances existed sweetly unadorned of autotune, such as the breathy Usher/Bieber duo and the drop-down hilariously executed Cee-Lo Green/Gwyneth Paltrow duet, involving more feathers than a Mardi Gras and more Muppets than an ABC Family Special Movie.

Cee-Lo doing his best Liberace

I'm not here to praise (or pound) the performers, or to cheer (or jeer) the winners and losers of the evening. I'm here to talk about the aftermath of the Grammy's, re: Esperanza Spalding and her unforeseeable win of Best New Artist for 2011 against a bevy of formidable opponents, but none so unspeakably formidable as that of that perky little Canadian wunderkind, Justin Bieber. The win shocked a lot of people, Esperanza included, and it outraged Bieber-fans everywhere, sparking nasty Tweets, vitriolic blog posts, and "fandalism" of Esperanza's Wikipedia page. Included were such... interesting... entries as "GO DIE IN A HOLE…WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?" Her middle name was also changed to "Quesadilla." (Alright. I guess that one's kinda funny. )

Spalding and Bieber: They ain't so different.

I must admit, a certain part of me understands the rage of the Bieber fans, the "Beliebers" as they so fondly refer to themselves. Passion for a loved artist can run pretty deep and to see one's object of affection spurned is not easy, especially when one believes that their beloved is deserving of the adulation of all. That being said, Justin and Esperanza are not so different. They're both musical entertainers, they both started their musical careers at a young age, and they both have adoring fans who love them and their efforts to spread their love of music to the world. Could we call a truce, Beliebers? There's no need for the continued acrimony. Both Justin and Esperanza surely have wonderful careers ahead of them during which time we, their respective fan base, can continue to enjoy the fruits of their labors.

That being said, here's my favorite Esperanza Spalding tune. Of course, this isn't just fellow bass-player love... but that may have a bit to do with it. Enjoy! [ link ]

Bass ain't just a fish,

-Nate Bellon(bass)

Ricky Gervais Is Funny ( Or Golden Globes: Get A Grip )

After being hooked into the world of podcasts (I had no idea!), I found and subscribed to Ricky Gervais' podcasts along with a pile of others and took them along with me on some errands. I was super excited about Mr. Gervais' podcast, but when it came on, it was only about 45 seconds long and was an advert for his hosting of the Golden Globes later that week. I was a little disappointed that the podcast was so short but it was good to see that Mr. Gervais was working and I looked forward to seeing the best bits of his show the next day.
Little did I know what had transpired that evening when I flipped open my laptop and searched for Ricky Gervais.

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO MALWARE THREAT AT WWW.ABOUT-KNOWLEDGE.COM
The Man in Question

For those who did not see Mr. Gervais' Golden Globes hosting performance, you can always see it on YouTube [ link ]. He essentially turned the Golden Globes into a minor roast of sorts. He can be seen charring and scarring a large swath of Hollywood, including Steve Carrell, Charlie Sheen, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise, among many others. Thanks to the social media and instant access to content, bloggers, critics and celebrities began trouncing on Gervais and his comedy for being tasteless, rude and unfunny. For every person he offended, however, he found a supportive person who got the joke. Subsequently, it continues to rage as a topic across blogs and Twitter feeds, Facebook walls and RSS feeds. (Oh, the irony!)

I personally thought Gervais was very funny throughout the night. Some of his gags were quite bold and some were quite mild but it was an enjoyable experience, if not mildly uncomfortable at certain points. When the dig he got in at Tom Cruise got a groan and shocked guffawing from the audience, I squirmed a little bit, I'll admit it. It was still funny, though. Smeriously.

Humor is a subjective thing, though, and what's funny to me is not necessarily funny to you. I understand that for that reason, the uproar and the furor exist. Roasts aren't for everybody, and that's pretty much what the Golden Globes morphed into. But seriously, he didn't do a bad thing. Mr. Gervais did a great thing and if nothing else, he certainly got himself a lot of press and name recognition. If you didn't know his name before, you very well may know it now. Bravo, Mr. Gervais. Bravo indeed.

The Fun's on the One,
-Nate Bellon(bass)

JoCo Fabbo ( or We're Not Unreasonable... )

I get e-mails occasionally from the sixtyone [ link ] about certain artists and happenings on the site. The most recent electronic communique reminded me of an artist often heard in the van whilst on tour or traveling and also heard in video games, on television and of course, the internet.

I'm talking about this guy right here:

His name is Jonathan Coulton and he writes great music, often with a technological or "geek culture" slant. His website [ link ] offers you the ability to listen to a wide variety of his music. He even has a musical primer, with different songs organized by categories like "geeky ones" or "funny/sad ones". [ link ] A few favorites of the band include: "Re: Your Brains," a song about zombies negotiating with a group of humans in a business meeting, of sorts; "Tom Cruise Crazy," a delightfully old-schoolish song explaining Tom Cruise's... eccentricities; and "Skullcrusher Mountain," which is a loving plea from a supervillain to his female captive.

Coulton has interestingly satisfying tonal and chordal instincts that make his music fun to listen to and his lyrics are often crafted wittily. While I sometimes prefer the acoustic version of his songs to his full rock band arrangements, he paints with a brush that is nicely influenced by the past thirty (plus) years of music, including touches of folk, electronic music and stadium-rock synth parts along with some heartily enjoyable rock.

One of my favorite Coulton tunes is "Still Alive," which was written for the end credits sequences of Portal [ link ], a video game released in 2007. The song is sung by the computer voice that is present throughout the game and makes a series of references to the game, so it's difficult to understand if the context isn't there. Still, it's a pretty song with a fun melody that I find myself humming randomly. The song isn't available on Jonathan's website because of licensing agreements with Valve Corporation, but it is available on YouTube. [ link ]

So, to recapitulate, The Empty Pockets like Jonathan Coulton and think you might like him to. Check him out.

Greasy is easy,

-Nate Bellon(bass)

The Future is Where? ( or I Believe I Was Promised a Flying Car)

Right around the wrapping of every year, I sit in quiet reflection of the past year and of the coming year. I consider where I personally feel my strengths and weakness have been, what I want to occur and what I would like to do in the year to come. And with fair consistency, I find I come back to one small burning ember that begins to rage deeply inside me until it consumes my very existence.

Where is my crazy flying future-car?

My, that's nice. Does it fly?

The year 2010 is nearly over, ushering in the another year along with a noticeable lack of flying cars and moving sidewalks in the sky hung over cities constructed of floating arcologies. Another year goes by without robot butlers in every home [ link ], without food pills or matter replicators.
And not a personal jetpack in sight.

Oh sure, we have nearly instantaneous global communication, including the ability to send and receive live video and audio to anywhere in the world. Computing has shrunk from massively sized hulking monstrosities requiring entire buildings to be housed to being able to be lost in the crack between your drivers seat and passenger seat. Hell, we're even getting close to having near-fully functional robotic limbs for those that have lost their originals. [ link ] But we still don't have flying cars. If we, as a race, make a sentient cyborg before we make a viable flying car, I'm going to be pissed.

This would look awesome parked in your driveway. Or rather flyway.

Now I know it's nobody's fault that the flying car is so delayed into our "Tomorrow of Yesterday". It's seriously difficult to make a flying car move in a safe manner, let along be reliable enough to be used by every Tomas, Richard and Henrietta. Only one company so far seems to be ready to put a model in the market for 2011, the Transition by Terrafugia. [ link ] It kinda looks like a cross between a Cessna and Herbie the Love Bug, but I guess it's all the flying car I'm going to get for now. However, the pictures on Terrafugia's website of the Transition in flight sure do look like they're computer-generated. (CGI: another awesome future innovation that isn't a flying car.)

This is the least fake looking shot. Flight!

In conclusion, while I know I'm not the only one who's got his proverbial panties in a twistie about the lack of flying cars. It's a fairly consistent discussion point on long van rides betwixt the Pockets and the consensus always seems to be the following: There's enough dangers to driving a regular car, why would you want to compound those dangers by flying? I'm not quite sure I have an answer for that. All I'm saying is: This is the future and I was promised flying cars.

Happy 2011 everybody. We hope that your New Year is filled with happiness, prosperity and love. Cheers!

Up for the Downstroke,
-Nate Bellon(bass)

Snowmageddon! (or Who Needs to See the Road? )

Wow, we had an incredible weekend! Friday found us in Milwaukee, WI, enjoying Monty Python's Spamalot [ link ] and getting a chance to hang out with our Sapphire Princess buddy, Andy Hoesl. The show was awesome and Andy plays a monster trumpet throughout. We even went out afterward and had some delicious German beers and brats. Ja wul!

'Tis but a scratch!

Upon awakening in the morning, Erika took over as driver of the Pocket Rocketeer, and off we zoomed towards St. Paul, Minnesota. We understood we were to be driving into some snow, so we left early with a song in our hearts and some coffee in our bellies. Little did we know precisely how bad it was going to get.

We saw lots of these

The snow started getting thick and heavy by mid-Wisconsin and then it was all downhill from there. We drove by dozens (and dozens) of cars that had fallen off the road and just as many tractor-trailers, some falling off the road and on to their sides.

Yeah, like this. Scary, non?

The roads were barely plowed and in some instances, the blowing snow had covered the road for what seemed like miles. White-out conditions made the driving ridiculously hazardous and all four Pockets were on High Alert, staring intently out the windshield or windows, guiding the van to the left or the right to stay on the road. Danny had the special task of being on Wiper Patrol, which included hanging out of the window of the moving van, mid-blizzard, and clearing the wipers of snow and ice. Thanks to the diligence of all the Empty Pockets, we finally managed to get off the highway and into St. Paul, where we thought we might be able to find some plowed roads. WRONG.

That bus is stuck, yo

The City of St. Paul had been forced to shut down the plows at 11 that morning and the streets were just as dangerous as the highway. After powering our monstrous van to it's destination, we unloaded in the blowing snow and started our gig for the evening at the James J. Hill library. It stopped snowing at 8 pm, but with nary a snow plow in sight, we wrapped it up and headed to our hotel where the staff told us they were stranded (!) because of the snow. Well hell. With everything in St. Paul closed, we climbed into bed and decided to check the travel conditions the next day.

This snow was smerious

Sunday found only a handful of plows on the streets and with most of the major roadways as hazardous as our trip in. We even got a textie from band-bud-for-life Andy Hoesl saying the Spamalot tour bus was stranded in Springfield, IL after sitting on the highway behind a 13-car pileup. What was a band to do? Snow day in St. Paul! One of the best things about St. Paul is the indoor Skyway system, [ link ] an elevated series of halls and malls that is more than 5 miles long and connects 47 city blocks. You can even rent apartments there. Yowzers! While most of the business inhabiting the Skyway were closed due to the snow, we got a tip that a pub down the way called The Bulldog [ link ] was open, so we hitched on down and enjoyed what has become our favorite restaurant in St. Paul. They even had truffle flavored tots. Delish!

Oh yes, and beers. They had many beers.

We spent our snow day relaxing in the hotel, with a small ten-minute excursion to a local drug store being dragged out to an hour and a half, including pushing several vehicles up an icy road and then getting stuck ourselves and having to push the van, loaded with gear, up the same icy-hill-road-of-doom. Thanks to the wonderful St. Paul residents who came to our aid, we couldn't have gotten moving without you! With that experience firmly in our brains, we hunkered down in the hotel room and refused to move except for to fetch more delightful food and beer at the Bulldog. You guys rock for being open. Seriously.

We awoke Monday morning and began our descent into Illinois. The roads had been (mostly) plowed and the drive was fairly smooth, except for the occasional slow-down where road crews were recovering trucks that had driven off the road during the snow. (see horrifying picture above) The drive was smooth and without incident and we all managed to get home safely on Monday evening, having survived yet another dangerous situation by being on-top of our game and working together as a team. A harrowing experience was brought to a close and despite the cray-zee weather, we enjoyed ourselves.

Plow that snow!

So, to all of you out there, be safe in the upcoming winter driving season and make sure you have a blanket and an emergency cold-weather kit in your car, just in case the weather gets the better of the situation.

Rock on,
-Nate Bellon(bass)

Food, Glorious Food ( or We Be Cooking )

Cooking is glorious. It brings about things triumphantly delicious, infused with effort as much as flavor. Often, cooking can be done fairly cheaply as well. In cooking, the real investment is time (as Josh can no doubt attest with his eight to twelve hour baking sessions. ) Solid time investment, whether through learning techniques, experimenting with recipes or just from good old-fashioned hard work always leads to a great learning experience, and often times a delicious one at that. We need not spend our whole lives pursuing the deep complexities of cooking, though. Sometimes we can cook just to cook.

Oh my yes.

While I haven't logged as many kitchen miles as some of my fellow Pockets, I've managed to hone my kitchen prowess to the point where I don't cut anything vital off or burn everything to a flaming lump of carbon and despair. I've done that through finding crazy simple recipes that I can memorize. Good for every occasion, they serve as my "Ace" in situations where cooking prowess is impressive. (Family holidays, meeting-the-inlaws, and high-powered business luncheons are all a go!)

Below is my recipe for sauteed asparagus. It takes all of about 15 minutes once the ingredients are gathered and is a sure-fire hit even with supposed asparagus-haters. (I used to be one before I found this recipe.) The origin of the recipe is unclear and I'm fairly sure it's an amalgamation of a bunch of different recipes, but I would bet berries to bushels that Alton Brown [ link ] was involved. Love that show.

Sauteed Asparagus
1/2 lb fresh asparagus
Virgin 0live 0il
2 tbsp soy sauce
Ground black pepper
Aluminum foil

Before anything else happens, tear off a sheet of aluminum foil and fold it into a packet. This is where you'll be steaming the asparagus when it comes out of the pan, so make sure it's big enough to hold the asparagus and still be folded shut or closed. Keep it nearby.

Trim the asparagus to whatever length you would like. I usually keep everything but the bottom three inches, but some asparagus can get "woody" even further than that, so use your best judgment. Wash and drain the asparagus.

After washing and draining the asparagus, place in a pan on medium-high heat. Drizzle olive oil on the asparagus and shake them around to very lightly coat them. Too much oil will cause smoke problems, so keep it light. Toss them about occasionally, rotating the asparagus. When the color shifts from a light green to a deeper forest green, take a stalk of asparagus out. Allow it to cool for a second and then shake it, held firmly between your fore-finger and thumb. If the asparagus is stiff and does not wiggle, it still must be cooked. When the asparagus wiggles a bit limply, it's time to put it in the aluminum steam packet we made earlier.

Place the asparagus in the pre-made aluminum foil packet and add the soy sauce and black ground pepper. Now is the time to add any other seasoning you'd like. I stay away from salt, as the soy sauce has it covered. Now just fold the packet up so it's in a bundle so no steam can escape and let it rest on a plate. (It may get a little leaky.) In four or five minutes, open the packet to reveal deliciously sauteed asparagus. And with so little effort as to make you look like a crazy dynamo-chef. While Club Nouveau [ link ] might not be on your mandatory cooking mix, you can dig it when I say "We be cooking!"

Asparagus. I've said it so many times, it's lost all meaning. Asparagus.

With that funky respect to Bill Withers,
-Nate Bellon(bass)